Not Ever Mine Completely
An endless weariness encircles my heart
everything unravels, falling like leaves
as I slowly float away with the stream
the evening is sweet and clear
an ocean filled with light at the edge of the sky
a path untrodden, a place of perfect peace
I sense the end is near, and now it is falling on me
I am floating, drifting slowly into the darkness
and peace descends softly upon me
heaven woven in shades of blue
a shade that is just less than love
yet more than the oceans
a magnificence, rain ripened, echoes free
whispering softly through the trees
chimes are adrift upon a trailing wind
and the sky reveals her same stars, as always
you are the wind that picks me up
that whispers low and sweet
that lets me drop with nothing to grasp
that speaks in silence, of unattainable peace
blossoms are falling, fragrant silken pirouettes
floating and settling, in beauteous heaps
here, in this tranquil place
where my spirit soars with the birds
below on a blanket, wrought in jade
violets sparkle, full of promises and light
as I watch, the clock ticks to escape
there is the fragrance of jasmine
and the fire and I are dying, each a slow death
memories are always, the hardest to bear
their constant whispers in the darkness
almost as unbearable, as the hush of years
sorrow has become quiet, and pain is a constant reminder
winter turns her face away as spring beckons joyfully
days feel like weeks and the clouds drift, lonely like me
winter fills my soul, a cold distant moon drifts by
my heart still breaks to remember
to remember snowflakes, melting on your lips
to remember the brushing of a finger
a breath, beneath viridian silk
falling, but not yet fallen
sorrow has become beautiful
your scent imprinted, now a familiar scar
and your voice, strikes long unused chords in my soul
I feel the wind upon my face, and the warmth of day
yet I still feel the snow, whisper about me
shades of night roll in, and I fall soon into darkness
gentle clouds, trail slowly across my mood
endlessly flowing blood circles
just slowly enough, that I know I am alive
I feel the night unravelling in the perfumed breeze
sparkled spider-webs nightly spun
beauty bejewels the vault of heaven
silver threads blending softly, into star-bright skies
I loved you too much, far too much
peace eluded me, as did you my love
and in time it overwhelmed me
not ever mine completely, you were my one and only
this turmoil within envelops me
while the dark red blossoms of death
play heedless in the shallows
ever whispering in my ear
colour roaming in lazy silent winds
encircled by creeping shadows
as a hint of rain tumbles in from the slopes of the sky
speak to me in whispers soft and songs of midnight hue
the echoes of unspoken words, still ever longed for
now haunting every sultry night
sun sprinkles diamonds over azure seas
deep longings overwhelm me
and like the vast restless ocean, I ache to be wild and free
when I think of you, I tremble, as spark in the spring rain
and I look for your face everywhere
a window opens a world away from here
I am ankle deep in the shallows of longing
almost too lovely, too painful to be endured
it is always darkly beautiful just before the dawn
and grief weighs heavy on me
fragile and fading, you drift out of reach
lost in the awakening the shadows sigh
and softly unreachable, fall in unseen places
I see you there, as you melt into morning
like distant music that still plays upon my soul
the raindrops are emerald, ruby and turquoise
as the light folds your image, upon the embrace of the day
the rain begins beating, softly drumming
like the helpless trembling, of a lonely heart
a ceaseless sobbing, falling softly away
the clouds hang heavy with a sadness that echoes
a sorrowful song, winding out across the quiet sky
icy rain falling from the formless cover of grey
the sun is missing and new buds tremble
abandoned, the winter breathes her last
broken clouds crowd together, drawn across the sky
forming a half-lit canvas, on which the day is painted
in dramatic silhouette
there are petals floating, falling down
trying to escape reality in a fleeting dream
pictures painted on an empty sky
you open me gently to the morning
and I am melting, like the gold of the sun
into a welcoming sea
the taste of dreams upon my tongue
then only your echoes remain
in the still night, under windswept stars
I feel your absence and turning towards the sea
I find its restless tides, are silenced now
on wild waves of desire, we found ourselves
with the ghosts of memories upon our lips
fire and ice falling together across the breadth
I drift in dreams, where there is the scent of wildflowers
and the memories are already fading
like secrets, whispered into a desolate wind
its’ errant gusts, tearing at the trees
the leaves are turning, letting fall a trail of tragedy
and the last petals, fall like rain
shadows, like dark doors, stand open
a tear falls, a bright, tremulous, drop, in the silence
in the lost and lightless places
you are the flame of every candle
and I feel the breeze of your passing here
memories cast across the dark, stars just out of reach
melting away, in the harsh light of morning
tears fading on my pillow
thoughts of you haunt me
a blossom still lingering, so sweetly alone
mist rolling in the distance, and I can’t see you anywhere
arms ever empty, like dark winter branches
reaching for heaven and dripping cold morning dew
into pools of tears, where my memories drift
ever floating, just out of reach
I hear a sighing, carried on the breeze
and time won’t bring you back to me
shadows shift then fall away
the colours of the day are dripping
poured out from a pool of darker waters
with sighs and soft murmurs
but the night, with its veil of anonymity
spreading softly over me in darkness
always brings you back to me, my love
dreams whisper and I feel you near
drifting on the edge of the night, and rolling in with the tide
cast away the heavy hours
catch the last fires of the day
years will come and ages pass
and time will yet deliver his final kiss
I feel a window opening, a world away from here
and an errant breeze, touches my cheek like a kiss
a drifting boat, scented days, a gentle breeze
petal after petal, upon my heart they weigh
I am alone again, a fading sun cloaked in gold
a last kiss upon the clouds, sanguine folds of velvet
the last languid moments, of the dying day
dressed in red, a leaf lingers, shivering alone
clinging fast to empty branches, stark against the sky
time has no master
our eyes meet and we are falling, into desires’ depths
the wild scent of passion rolls us under
perfumed and undulant in the after breeze
the petals are drifting, feathered with flames
which the wind casually blows out
now your heart echoes from far away
haunted by memories, I watch a leaf drift down
and in the strange silence, my heart also falls
in the dark and empty night
a sad bell tolls, in varied cadence
beating out your name, it sweetly magnifies my pain
desolate winds and a winding cliff path
stones crumble, dreams fading out of view
time slows and the question, is unanswered still
through the windows of night, creeps the sunlight
birds cry in the wind
flying across the lavender field of morning
the temple bell tolls and a fog rolls over the water
all the colours melt to one and I finally surrender
to the sweet release of sleep
awakening pale and unmoving
to a serene quietude of sky
a still, clear, soundless dreamscape
where wishes fill the void and my heart opens its wings
whispers in dreams ripple in my heart
butterfly soft memories, trembling in the winds of time
three whispered words, etched into my soul
lightning in the mist, illuminating your absence
falling ribbons of silk, at play with light and shadow
I ask the night for dreams
as if I could see the ashes of a summer day
as if to recall, might take the pain away
sparkling like stars, falling down upon the velvet night
tears track down my face, marking my rivers of pain
your absence is an old scar, that continues to ache
our song now carries on the wind
and tears fall heavy as pearls
scattered fragments of a fading dream, frail and drifting
flooding out in graceful silence
and then lost in the endless stream
rolling waves of sleep, dreams softly take me
swirling around in the hush
flowing like music over a shoreless sea
fallen leaves in fresh shades of melted red
birds gathered like spectators, strangely quiet in the night
without you my love, I picture your face
you were always mine and there was no undoing it
I am ever yours, and the clock ticks slowly
night passes sweetly, but in the end too quickly
for again, I lose you to dreams
the wind sings our song, in the shattering silence
and my heart is breaking anew
here in the depths of sorrow, a fragile flame burns
and now I remember, that this pain
is what I run from, in my restless dreams
we drift far apart, in the dark corridors of sleep
reflections of you, but your arms no longer await me
a waterfall of heartache, flowing over me
the moon is to the sky, as the shore is to the sea
I am ever yours and your touch lights me up
like dawn, flowing through my soul on a winter day
I feel you always, in the endless stretch of time
which takes me backwards and I find you everywhere
tendrils of peace surround me, holding me until morning
now a shimmering icy breeze
darkness runs blue and my heart is fragile
the tide rolls in relentless, as loss falls heavily
sounds of loneliness, the sighs of unquiet hearts
night echoes weeping, around the eerie muted sun
that was once painting all in gold and rose
a soft breeze brushes my cheek
dark and deepening shadows, wind through the trees
night melts and a sudden unease slips in
as the darkness claims its place
drifting clouds form a boundless sea
shoreless and empty
I feel so alone and waves of grief, roll over me
sorrow overflowing liquid dreams
I try to hold on and to keep them in my grasp
but the last of them, always slips though my fingers
I am a petal blown off course
too light to settle, and I am swept away
on vagrant drifts of gentle breezes
a bird calls haunting
and mist falls softly upon me
a sheer curtain floats and shadows ripple
how lonely it is, suddenly there is nothing
I have not forgotten, my love
here in your shadow, the flame is still flickering
in the depths of my soul, in the hush of winter
all is cloaked in ghostly white, veiling unspoken desires
beauty overwhelms the sighing of the season
our love is a still a sheltered cove
calm seas and clear skies, there are no rocks here to fear
and the winds are ever fair
scented days, a drifting boat, an ever-gentle breeze
the dreams that we shared and the dreams that we lost
like petal after petal, upon my heart they weigh
I am alone again, another day
petals floating down the river of time
a sense of you, a sense of me
and a single cloud, drifts slowly by
the pull of the moon, turns and returns
on the aching swell of the tide
only to recede, into the shrouded secret night
interludes of rapture
passions, that time could never render thin
pull me deeper, into the aching ebb and flow
time passes slowly, trickles all night long
I feel its’ grip and, in my dreams
I am ever falling back to you
but there is no echo, just a dark silence
and I feel it calling to me
the bitterness of this loss, sets me adrift in darkness
you are lost to me love
yet I feel you still, in the endless stretch of time
always calling me back to you
time passes and I fall into it like clouds
that coax me slowly within
you are near as I awaken, and I already miss you
again and again, your eyes always persuade me
they sweep me back into deeper waters
where I lose myself, over and over
against the moons’ pull, the tide is descending
and the last fires of the day
slip ever so gently and darkly away
warned by a footfall, in the deepest of dreams
just like that aching pull, of the rippling tide
I hear you again, whispering my name
I let you drag me under, to sweet release
where in the space, between two heartbeats
time melts away, like the ice from winter
in the dream I fall and I feel the darkness
but with eyes closed, I see you there for me
now waking is all I fear
your heart echoes from far away
as night flees and dawn falls
and in the strange silence, my heart is falling too
our eyes meet, and we sink into the depths of desire
the wild scent of passion, rolls us under
time passes without notice, until suddenly
the fading sun, places a last kiss upon the clouds
and once more the sanguine folds of velvet
in the last languid moments, of the dying day
I am now a wild rose, blossoming in futility
and you are the errant breeze, rippling in waves over me
the lonely cry of a distant bird
echoes through mournful skies, filling the emptiness
your touch, is both ache and pain
my longing flows down the river of desire
with heat enough, to set the seven seas aflame
without warning, it flows over me
the trembling shadows sigh, and so do I
and when I ache, and when I search
you are always there to find
our passion flows unseen
just as the red folds of a velvet petal, unfurl
spilling silently over into the dawn
but then the season of loss, comes around once more
the moon is sharp against the sky
there is no comfort here tonight
frozen in quiet perfection, against the dark silence
in my heart, I am weeping
I carry my sorrow into the shadows, as darkness flows in
and I dream of your warm embrace
I whisper softly, into the wild currents of night
all the sweet words, that you long to hear
and in the pale dawn light, and the soft breath of morning
I feel you near, once more
drifting on the edge of the night, and rolling in with the tide
your heart whispering to me in dreams
© Ann Bagnall
This poem has been created from a 2015 document I discovered with 50 pages of draft poems (some from earlier than 2015) that eventually were published by me individually and edited over the years. I recognised a theme running through them, so I have tried to create one narrative that reflects them all. I hope you enjoyed it!
