invictus enim morior (I die unvanquished)
My gaze is fixed upon the far horizon
I reminisce, travelling backwards in time
recalling arduous journeys
the highways and the byways
the long roads to nowhere
and the roads still untaken
roads that once stretched before me
whispering promises
some fulfilled, others not
even with the endless steps
the trials and the tribulations
they will ever remain undiscoverable
I have walked the narrow paths
through thorns that forever marked my flesh
through wild storms and wilder winds
that howled in the face of my audacity
every laboured step, a bold act of defiance
the drowning rains lashed my skin
cleansed my soul, a baptism of sorts
that in the moment, to me, felt like healing
but I have learned that life is a cruel mistress
and that when I fall there will always be scars
but if I look for them, there will also be revelations
each fall an opportunity to rise
each scar a mark of honour
for the strength it takes, to rise from the ashes
the unyielding faith in self, is undefinable
there will always be moments
when only we can save ourselves
life is both bitter and sweet
and joy, just like sunlight
can still seep through the corners
and the cracks of despair
the roots of joy are entwined with pain
and I never regretted the price of love
or the weight of darkness upon my heart
where at times, the light was barely visible
when hope was dying like a star
and I had to find flames from within
and courage in the face of doubt
now I see the shadows are lengthening
quietly whispering the songs of endings
I have always been acquainted with death
I fully understand the assignment
I have seen it waiting patiently
in the tired visage of the soon to be lost
I have lived in that place of silence
in those exquisite, painful seconds
when the light in their eyes faded
and peace, finally fell gently upon them
I have felt the tangible moment of release
and the silent presence of an unseen hand
so with this knowledge, I enter my final hours
as the conqueror, not the conquered
I fear not the darkness that awaits
for each step taken, has been my own
and even now, my will is unbroken
touched by both love and loss
I am complete in this moment
and I wear my wounds with pride
ready to surrender to the afterlife
I have lived all my years as a warrior
and as a warrior, so shall I die
the conqueror of my own life
Satis vixi (I have lived long enough)
invictus enim morior (I die unvanquished)
© Ann Bagnall
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Inspired by ‘Invictus’
by William Ernest Henley 1875
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
