Reframing your right to choose who comes into your personal space
This is not poetry. This is not fiction. This is not anything but my personal views.
I have written before about social media and the dangers that lurk in the shadows and the corners. I have written about those who seek to use the various social media platforms for reasons that are other than what most people would consider reasonable, acceptable or even at times, believable.
Women often find social media a difficult place to enjoy because of the lengths some people will go to in order to use whatever medium you are on as a ‘free pass’ to attempt to move from a virtual connection in open space, to a private connection, where they can not only control the private narrative, but can also control the public narrative later should the ‘victim’ not wish to entertain their overtures.
How bizarre is it that someone can intrude upon your personal space without your permission, impose their personal interests, needs, desires or whatever their predilection is, upon you, and then when you choose to no longer allow that person into your space (BLOCK/REPORT), you become some kind of evil as that person goes about their business of blackening your name and accusing you of somehow acting inappropriately or in a exclusive manner, by your heinous act of choosing not to have that person in your life, even via a channel where you cannot really know who that person is or what risk they may pose to you.
What ever that stranger is seeking from you, be it money, love, sex or simply affirmation of some kind, you are not obliged to acquiesce. You are allowed to shut the door and not look back. You owe that person nothing.
So, reframe.
A person knocks on your front door at home. You ask who is there and they tell you the name they want to use today. You may know them in passing, but not well. They may just be someone in your social circle but not a close friend. You did not invite them to visit you at home.
So you are standing behind your closed door with a million different thoughts going through your mind. Why is that person at my door? Why do they think they can be here in my personal space? Did I do something wrong that perhaps caused that person to think this would be okay? Is this my fault? Would it be rude if I don’t let that person in?
You can see the danger that is in the undercurrent here in the reframed scenario.
Whilst in real life at your front door, danger is more palpable and the possibility of harm is greater, it is not insignificant when this occurs in your social media space.
The potential harm in social media interactions of this kind range from reputational damage to emotional trauma. These trolls are so focussed on their own needs, superiority and reputation, that they will harbour ill feeling about any perceived rejection, sometimes for an extended period. They may retaliate immediately. They may let it simmer over a long period. But when they do retaliate they will do so wanting to expose what they see as your wrongdoing, not theirs.
They may very well even believe the terrible things they recall about your interaction, those things that never happened and that do not in any way illustrate the reason you closed your door to them. They will try and portray themselves as a victim and try to make others believe that their hands are clean and that they can be a champion for others so cruelly wronged by another closing a door to them that they never had a right to open in the first place.
Imagine if you called the police and told them someone was at your door wanting to be let in, and that they would not go away when you asked them to. The police would most likely come to deal with it right there and then. That will not happen on social media. You are on your own and that person outside your door knows it.
Imagine if they did eventually go away but then later, kept walking past and looking through your windows. Imagine if they took pictures of things they saw in your windows and posted them on social media and made offensive comments about you or created a persona for you that was intended to hurt you and also to have other people come and look through your windows and potentially follow in that person’s footsteps. The police would definitely do something about that, but social media ? You know the answer.
Imagine if you built a high fence and electrified it, got guard dogs and security cameras and a security company to ensure that in your home you were protected and that they knew who your harasser is and would advise the police immediately if that person was seen near your home. If you blocked that person on social media you have no way to know you are safe. No-one monitors them. No-one can prevent them creating as many new accounts as they want to in order to get back into your space or the space of people you know, to carry on their acts of rage that were triggered when you made a choice that you were perfectly entitled to make, a choice not to let them into your personal space.
So you are left with no option but to limit your own presence on social media, to be constantly vigilant and gradually reduce your circle of safe friends. Sensible though this is, it is yet another win to the perpetrator. You might battle with this in your own mind, but keep going back to if this as if it was your home. Do you care if the perpetrator thinks they win because (in their mind) your actions show your fear or your acknowledgement of something they claim you did? Or is what really matters that you take back your control?
We do not need to name and shame others and potentially set fire to the dried leaves and the withering remnants of the past actions of others. We just need to keep ourselves safe.
Let that be their job. They are the ones who are not trying to be the light (despite anything they may claim), but instead, are boldly showing their true colours of darkness by their own actions in calling others to rally behind them to pursue someone they may or may not even know, based solely on their words about the alleged actions of the other party or based on false representations of the words of others. And do not forget that the reason the door was shut to them does not ever cross the lips of the person when they are sharing tales about you to others. Their own culpability in the situation is buried deep in the darkness, churning away and feeding their rage.
They are not creating a call for change or genuinely supporting others who have been badly treated. What they are doing is simmering in their embarrassment at being privately called out for unacceptable conduct that made others feel unsafe. For not taking no for an answer when the person saying no was entirely entitled to decline what was being asked. They are burying deep their own actions and reframing everything to suit themselves. What they are doing is creating a crusade against anyone who may represent the light that they are not.
Think back to the witch trials where both men and women were declared witches and burned or hung for both healing and failing to heal others. The people who behave like this are on social media today but they are not hunting witches. They are hunting prey. They are hunting people they can use for their own means (whatever that may be) and (in their mind) woe betide you if you deny them for they have their own form of witch trial ready to go and burning your reputation is their end game. This is how they keep people from standing up to them.
We all have a right to use social media in the way we want to. What we do not have a right to do is to use it to pursue something that another person has already told you they do not want to be a part of. Move on, find your own level (be it high or low) and do not attack and bully people who don’t want to be whatever you want them to be.
People are allowed to choose who they associate with on social media and who they do not. Retaliation against someone (usually a total stranger) who chooses not to ‘be your friend’ or not to ‘play your games’, or not to ‘meet you in person’ or not to ‘send you a picture’ or not to ‘engage in some fun’ or who objects to you sending them words or pictures that they do not like or that deeply upset or offend them…..this could go on for lines and lines but you get what I am saying.
To anyone who behaves in this way, let me say this, retaliation against someone choosing what safety looks like for them, regardless of how much it disappoints you that you have been rejected, is not reasonable. It is not acceptable.
Hostile rhetoric aimed at a person you have privately abused (or attempted to abuse) is not only just a way you assuage your own feelings of rejection, but is a way for you to feel superior and get your cortisol and adrenaline pumping while you assassinate the character of the person you harmed.
You are able to hide behind anonymity which assists you to create whatever fantasy you wish and there is no personal loss in saying whatever you like. You have no remorse and you face no real consequences for your actions. The consequences for your hubris lie with your victims.
This kind of hate is a form of bigotry, the definition of which is ‘obstinate or unreasonable attachment to a belief, opinion, or faction; in particular, prejudice against a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group’.
There are many people on social media with opinions that differ from our own. That includes a choice not to share personal space with you or engage in personal and/or intimate connections with you. That doesn’t make them wrong and you right, or vice versa, just different.
Never take on face value what someone tells you about their reason for spreading hate (even under the guise of truth telling), especially if that person is making threats of any kind, setting deadlines for a response or making vague (or even not vague) comments about consequences for non-compliance. These signs are key indicators that you need to get the heck out of there and do not look back.
Everyone has access to block people and to report people where they have concerns. That is the only way we have to deal with this kind of behaviour. Hunting others like prey using fake accounts to acquire followers to join the hunt and spreading lies in order to frighten or denigrate others, cannot in any way be seen as justifiable.
To everyone who encounters this, we do not have to hold space for this, nor should we become a party to these wrongdoings and the harm caused to others. We do not have to participate in the toxicity and negativity of others and we can focus on bringing people together, rather than letting the divisiveness tear us apart. In an article by Janet Fouts, whose site was later hacked and she lost most of her content (she is rebuilding), she wrote:
“Social media sites offer us an amazing opportunity to learn from people from different walks of life, cultures and belief systems with an open mind. A mind that is open to understanding and has empathy for others around the world, and being kind to those we may not fully understand. We may not always agree, but if we respond with negativity we’re driving the conversation down a rabbit hole it may not recover from.”
Here is a recommendation for your reading pleasure:
The Light in the Heart by Roy T. Bennett
The Kindle version is available for free and I have added some quotes from the book hereunder for you to end this on a positive note.
“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”
“Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.”
“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. Life is too short to waste your time on people who don’t respect, appreciate, and value you. Spend your life with people who make you smile, laugh, and feel loved.”
“You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.”
“Treat everyone with politeness and kindness, not because they are nice, but because you are.”
